HOW TO CREATE SAFETY WITHIN

11/18/2020

That new friend that you were so excited to hang out with still hasn’t called you back. Your sister-in-law didn’t reply to your  text. Your Dad is upset with you. You didn’t get that job you wanted. An old classmate just wrote something surprisingly cutting on your social media post.  Or maybe you are just overwhelmed by the state of the world and wonder why others don’t see things the way you do.

Believe me. I feel you. 

First let me explain that, according to my Guidez*, with this collective disturbance (otherwise known as 2020) we are transitioning into higher states of consciousness and with that we are becoming more sensitized. 

The good news (please Guidez, tell us!): This upheaval is an uplevel! For all of us.

What does an uplevel mean?  

It means you are in the process of attuning to… 

a sharper intuition, a better lie detector, more empathy, a greater capacity for giving and receiving love, telepathy-like communication with friends and family, a greater ability to connect the dots from wounding to triggers to seeing your own shadow. It also means you might start to feel psychic.  And yes, you will be seeing even more synchronicities.

With this 2020 UPLEVEL into higher dimensional frequencies we are also more sensitive in ways that don’t always feel as good. Like all things light, there is a shadow side to being sensitive. 

When we feel alienated from others or are dismissed by a friend, colleague, or family member or when the current reality seems hopeless… we feel disconnected and the old method of numbing out our feelings (for example, just “moving on”) isn’t working anymore. 

Have you noticed this? Does your internal sense of peace seem fragile? Do your feelings feel more commanding and dependent on other peoples’ actions? 

With one (imagined) sign of rejection or failed expectation, we can feel powerlessness and our body will give us signs that we are not safe. We may develop stomach aches, chest pains, anxiety, and we may want to cry. Last week I wanted to cry every day! 

So how do we handle this heightened sensitivity?

Think about it like this. Imagine something extreme happens to you. Imagine you are kicked out of a car in the desert. Dust is swept in your face. Someone you love just left you and they sped off into the distance leaving you behind to fend for yourself on the dirt. In this moment, like every moment in your life, you have a choice.  

Are you going to get mad and blame the person who just dismissed you? Very likely, yes. That’s understandable. Then what?

Next, are you going to add insult to injury and remind yourself of all the things you did to put yourself in this situation?

Are you going to obsessively replay what happened and dissect what you think you did wrong?

Are you going to come up with reasons why you deserve this? 

OR

Are you going to create a place of true refuge within? Are you going to shelter yourself in the middle of this storm?

Now, ask yourself (maybe you weren’t thrown out of an actual car)…about the last time you were wounded or felt like your life was falling apart, did you blame others? More notably, did you criticize yourself? Recognizing missteps is an important part of growth and it helps us keep our ego in check. However, there is a big difference between kind, compassionate self reflection and critical self-talk. 

MY BIG AH-HA! 

I’ll use myself as an example. I recently felt really sad about the fact that someone I really enjoyed hanging out with didn’t text me back. Like many life situations, I didn’t have a clear idea of this person’s perspective on what happened so I projected my story on to the mystery. I started to wonder what I had done wrong and shamed myself for the things I said last time we were together. In my mind, I also declared that this person was unsafe and decided to not let him back in, should he reemerge. 

One Saturday morning, shortly after this happened, I went on a hike with a friend and told her the story. It’s good to have friends who are healers because it wasn’t long before this friend reflected something major to me. When I told her that the guy feels unsafe now, she gently reminded me that it is my job to create a safe place for myself.  

AH! Right! I got it!

Another layer of TRUTH was revealed to me in that moment.

I was projecting!  

The guy wasn’t unsafe! I was creating an unsafe place for myself by personifying an aspect of myself and becoming my own persecutor, in the wake of not hearing from the guy! I was being that which I condemned! Our shadow aspects are revealed – not only in how we treat other people – but they also come to light when we take a discerning look at our inner dialogue.

As soon as I noticed that I had created an unsafe place for myself, I flipped my script. I threw out my old story where I was condemning this guy and then nitpicking myself, and I consciously adopted a new story where I focussed on keeping my heart open: to this person and more importantly… to myself. It’s unfair to call him unsafe when I have no idea what is happening outside of my limited perspective and there is no reason why I should be judging him or myself with so little information. The truth is, I felt “bad” not because I didn’t hear from him, but because of the story I was telling and the coals I was raking myself over.

We create safety within by being loving to ourselves even when the world appears unjust, and unkind.

A safe place within means you tell yourself (and your inner child!) the following no matter what is happening

YOU ARE DOING 

A GOOD JOB.

YOU ARE DOING THE 

BEST THAT YOU CAN.

YOU DESERVE LOVE.

YOU ARE LOVABLE.

EVEN IMPERFECT 

PEOPLE ARE LOVABLE.

Think of your mind as the coach of your body. Being shitty to yourself when someone else hurts you is like a boxing coach yelling at a boxer right after the boxer was punched in the face, as they are resting in the corner of the ring. So mean, right!? If we want to feel confident and less insecure in life we need to act like the most inspiring coach there is to ourselves; we need to pump ourselves up, and inspire true self-assurance!

Let’s wake up from those unconscious tendencies toward self destruction that we find ourselves in. It is when we feel defensive, ashamed, and hurt that WE NEED OUR OWN LOVE THE MOST.

We want others to always make us feel safe. We want the government to always take care of us. We want friends and partners who are always loving and consistent. And, the truth is these are unrealistic (and childish) expectations. Spoiler alert: no one is perfect and others will provide situations that have the potential to feel injurious.  

In anticipation of the rocky road ahead, it’s helpful to remember that everyone has experienced either micro-traumas or major traumas which inform how they move through life and their beliefs. Because of traumas (from this life time, ancestral or from past lives) everyone comes up with different ways to safeguard themselves consciously and unconsciously against vulnerability.  

What is the antidote to life’s inevitable scrapes and gashes as a result of being on the receiving end of another’s fear?

The antidote to a potential wounding is to think of every situation as a perfect opportunity to stand firm in an unambiguous commitment of self. When we show up to hold together our broken pieces with merciful hands, our fractured self becomes whole. When we are whole, we feel secure. 

To be clear, again, this does not mean we should blindly bypass our mistakes, instead it means we recognize how we are always lovable, even if we trip up.

REPEAT AFTER ME:  

No matter what I said, or what I did, I am lovable. I am always lovable. I am worthy of love. I am valuable and I am needed. 

Lean in and listen. Could you be more gentle, sympathetic and loving to yourself? The way you might to a dear friend?

None of us know what is coming next. The world is in a state of mayhem (or so it seems) and in the midst of this chaotic growth period we have a choice about how we will handle our sensitivities. We can outsource our sense of safety by relying on the tenuous circumstances around us to offer us peace, or can we tap into our own self as a resource.  

Contrary to popular belief, what is going on around you is not the source of your feelings. No one MAKES YOU FEEL a certain way.  There aren’t situations that MAKE YOU FEEL anything. Your mind and the bologna (to put it lightly) you tell yourself about yourself and others are the source of your feelings.  

Ever since my AH-HA moment where I was directed back to feel my own heart, I have set in motion a zero tolerance policy for unkind inner dialogue. This means, if I catch myself saying anything other than wonderfully loving things about myself to myself, I will stop and flip the script. 

Need help flipping your script to create a safe place within? 

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*Guidez with a “Z” was a typo that I am keeping from now on, because it gives my Guidez a certain cool factor. Don’t you think?

 

PHOTO CREDIT: Kristina Paukshtite at Pexels

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