WHY WE ARE SICK
Your body might be falling apart because you want it that way. Before you smack me upside the head, let me explain what I mean. 😁
When I had a cold or flu as a kid, my mom would set up a makeshift spa experience in the den of our house. I was snuggled up in cozy blankets, given cool washcloths, and her full attention. She would roll the TV cart up to the couch so I could watch Mr. Rogers an inch from my nose. Shadow, my devoted cat, curled up between my legs. I was in pure heaven.
And, get this, if I requested, my Mom would make me a root beer float.
You heard me.
Ice cream and soda. When I was sick, I got ice cream and soda! 🎉
Fast forward to my early twenties, shortly after my Mom’s death and a very difficult break up with a boyfriend, my body started to crash. This time it wasn’t just a flu or a cold, instead I experienced everything from a ruptured cyst, to major digestive issues, to a kidney infection and seizures. Oh my!
At the time I was physically overdosing on gluten, dairy, sugar and glyphosate, which didn’t help my internal environment but I’ve come to see that while my diet played a major role in my health status my beliefs and emotional stability maybe what encouraged the downfall. What I’ve come to know is that the emotional terrain and the beliefs we carry are just as important, if not more crucial than the toxic foods or poisons we consume.
In my case, the overdose of self pity was really what brought down the house of cards. After all, my inner child, as represented by my adult body, was in a way trying to scream, “I’ve suffered so much loss and long for safe, attentive love… Someone please, bring me a blanket and a root beer float!” Interestingly too, at the time, my dreams at night while I slept were also full of moments when I was trying to scream and no one could hear me.
The beliefs that I had at that time come up a lot in my healing practice, too. People come to me with varying illnesses, everything from heart conditions, to cancer to infertility. What I’ve found is that more often than not, subconsciously my clients believe, “The only way for me to justify my need for love and attention is if I am sick.” Or, “The only way to justify my need for rest and relaxation is if I am hurt or sick.” Thanks to traumas that solidified disturbing self identities, many of us do not feel worthy of love, or rest, without an excuse!
What they don’t know, and what I didn’t know, is that the most satisfying source for needs is within.
Following the loss of my Mom, and that gut wrenching break up, I grew desperate for attention. In fact, this perfect storm created ideal conditions for me to also be verbally abusive to myself. I wanted someone to swoop in and tell me that all the horrible things I thought about myself were not true… Please someone tell me I am lovable!
I longed for someone to save me (from myself!) by seeing me and my troubles. As that longing intensified, my body deteriorated. My body “thought” that being sick was how I’d attract that seemingly genuine love I’d felt in the 80s with my Mom and Mr. Rogers.
It’s important to recognize that the associations we make as children, like SICK = ATTENTION, stay in our bodies and determine behavior.
As a parent, you might be concerned now, thinking, “Come on. So are we not supposed to coddle our sick children?”
My response is… For sure show deep care and adoration for your sick children but whatever you do, do not give them special treatment only on days that your kids are sick.
In other words, do not make your love and attention conditional. Sounds reasonable, right?
You see, if my mom had instead reserved the first Sunday of every month for an at home “spa day” where I got to just chill and watch Mr. Rogers and sip soda and ice cream (ideally vegan, organic, and sugar free treats) for no reason, my life may have played out very different.
But, that didn’t happen.
Instead, if I wanted that wonderful combination of heart centered attention and decadence, I needed to be kinda like half dying. So what did I do? As an adult I made myself sick, sick, sick!
It’s also important to note that we do not consciously get sick to get the restorative qualities of a day off, or create chronic symptoms to get our partner or friends to be super sweet to us. I was never conscious of what I was doing! Plus, it’s worth noting that if you are having issues with your body, the symptoms you are having are real, and your pain is real. My seizures, for example, were vivid and haunting. They were real.
The maya, while illusionary on one level, on another level, is wildly potent and no joke. I have deep compassion for all suffering.
Having said that, the body is the keeper of your subconscious, the body is your inner child, the body is your experience, so these childhood associations (or familial patterns) like, SICK = ATTENTION or, SICK = THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON TO JUSTIFY REST, are keepers of beliefs that you probably would vehemently deny.
Plus, even if you consciously don’t agree with something, it doesn’t mean that the opposite belief isn’t layered under in your dark psyche.
Please know that I get that it’s challenging to imagine that you might have seemingly self sabotaging motivations outside your awareness, but that’s exactly what I’m suggesting here. However, it is worth recognizing that acknowledging this doesn’t have to take away from the real pain of your symptoms. It’s possible to hold both as true and when we do, we are on a path to healing.
So, what’s the path once you wake up to all of your possible intentions?
Get clear on what you need.
When you bring your needs, all of your needs, consciously into the light, you will see that you don’t need to crawl through the dark cave to get the drink of water. In other words, celebrate enthusiastically your need for attention, love and rest!
Are you conscious of all of your needs? Do some of your needs feel shameful? If so, try to find the root of why you feel the shame. Who told you that having these specific needs are bad or wrong?
Oh and by the way, everyone needs love, attention and rest. The key is to offer it in abundance to yourself so you’re not clinging to others for these needs to be fulfilled.
One way to offer yourself attention is by taking time to write down lists of what you need of your close friends and family. Is there anything unsaid? Have you advocated for yourself lately?
Is “being needy” something that makes you cringe? I get that. I thought that too. However, when we are pretending that we don’t have needs, we are gaslighting ourselves, and that lends to a very toxic internal environment… uh, um, cough cough… Cue the illness!
And finally, if you’re sick or suffering from an ailment know first and foremost that you can heal. You are not broken. There are no accidents. This illness is serving you in some way.
You have more power and more agency than you know at this time. Your body is under your domain and will listen to you if you hold the belief that your body is not separate from you. Don’t give up on yourself. You can and will heal. ❤️
So now, I invite you to bridge the gap between your conscious mind and the subconscious messages of your body.
Ask yourself, “What need is this sickness fulfilling? And, how can I offer myself what I’m needing and/or how can I create the conditions for my needs to be fulfilled without this inconvenient incentive (the sickness)?”
Take time to journal. You might find that the sickness is fulfilling many needs. Can you get your needs met without the cancer, the thyroid problem, the hair loss, weight gain, fertility issue or the ringing in your ear?
As of late, I have a new rule. When I have a wave of random symptoms (like nausea, swollen tonsils, or a rash) I don’t share the details with friends. I don’t want my friends to be stand-ins for my Mom anymore. I am in training to be my own Mother. With this in mind, I’m committed to offering myself the love blasts and super care I need regularly. With time, as I’ve already noticed, the more love I give myself the less likely my body will “act out” crying for others to dote on me.
I have also decided to consciously set aside one day a month to just hang out unproductively at home. I will read, watch documentaries or take long baths with music. My subconscious will be reprogrammed… I don’t need to “get sick” to justify rest. I will proactively treat myself to luxurious (no work!) spa days without the annoyance of a fever! Genius. 🙌🏽
At the end of the day, whenever I am sick I simply consider whatever is happening a detox and/or an energy upgrade. I remind myself that nothing is going wrong.
More often than not when I am ill, we are just purging an old idea, like the belief that we need to be unwell or experience challenge in order to be truly worthy of the exhale into love that we so deeply long for. That may be the mother load of all beliefs… If we release that one into the wind, imagine what may emerge? I think we can, and I think that may be exactly why we are all here. Right Now.
With love, Tahra
