My Story

Who am I?   The best way for me to answer this is to explain where I have been. Perhaps like you, I was seeking answers. I felt trapped, at times, and I wasn’t sure how to build the life I wanted. Some days I felt good but many days I felt stuck. I had my fair share of hardships including the death of my Mom after Alzheimer’s gripped her at a very young age, but for the most part things were okay.  Emotionally I felt like I was trying to keep everything afloat because I didn’t remember choosing my life and it was hard to be grateful. It seemed like I was repeating the same day over and over again.  My life, more or less, felt like it was happening to me.

To get myself out of this funk, I read books written by Marianne Williamson, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Deepak Chopra; I started to understand the significance of quantum physics, hugged Amma The Hugging Saint, watched “I Am”, “The Shift” and “What the Bleep Do We Know” about 5000 times. My mind began to expand. At the same time, intuitively I knew that if I started to value and respect my body in more intentional ways things might also shift. I exercised with purpose and I eliminated foods that were clearly making me sick. (I cut gluten out of my diet entirely and eventually also cut back on cow dairy.) Lingering, unexplained health issues started to become a distant memory.

Thanks to new insights from the books and movies I had watched, I started to reframe my life in a spiritual context. I was moving in the right direction and waking up to a new way of being; I felt like I finally had my shit together.

What I didn’t know though, was that at that point in my evolution I was still operating with a limited sense of self. I had no real connection to my Soul and it wasn’t even a consideration that I might be a guided soul. The way I saw it, there was me, the woman who lived in Brooklyn and she was someone I, on a surface level, started to feel proud of. She had a great job, wonderful friends and family, a great apartment, a boyfriend, and she was starting to delve into spiritual ideas.

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In many ways, I felt like I understood what I was supposed to be doing but at that point I didn’t know that beneath the “put together” facade I was really operating with only half of my engines; the other half were frozen in fear.  I was afraid to admit that on a subconscious level I still felt insecure, incompetent, and unattractive.  I felt unqualified and lost. What felt like worst of all, during this time, I didn’t know how to implement the “self help” books and documentaries I had devoured.  I wasn’t really feeling love because I didn’t have a clue how to love. Ironically, thanks to all of the new info I uploaded, my friends’ and family’s problems and their fear-based thinking stood out like neon signs.  I was diagnosing everyone (with a less than loving inner dialogue) instead of spending time looking at myself square in the mirror.  I’d intellectually mastered the concepts of Love vs. Fear, All Is One, and Law of Attraction, but it had yet to make sense to my heart.

Then something crazy happened to really test me… Life. Within a few days my brother (a husband and father of two) was sentenced to five years in prison, my assistant (a.k.a my right hand) quit without warning after he had just returned from a two week vacation, and I broke up with the first boyfriend I’d had in a long time.  I was shattered and simply “loving” everything seemed like an incomplete tool for what I was facing.

I learned that life isn’t about learning what to do in order to navigate the Universe, rather it is about learning that your very state of being and how you observe creates your Universe.

I grew so tense and withdrawn at work that a co-worker sat me down to tell me she couldn’t “take my energy anymore.” This confrontation was devastating. I knew better; all I wanted was to be a happy, loving person but I couldn’t help myself. I sat and wept with her. “I don’t want to be this person,” I told her. Things seemed to be looking up, so why did it still feel like my walls were caving in? Why couldn’t I handle everything?

What I have come to learn is that we can’t intellectualize ourselves out of fear-based thinking. When we have real fear, and we don’t take time to face it head on, it will always trump our good intentions.

My cry for help didn’t happen right away, though. It took me another year or so of painful ups and downs before I finally threw my hands up. I was ready to take responsibility. I believe that as soon as we admit to the Universe (or God) that we are the captains of our own Souls, that Divine force offers us a GPS. A gentle voice says, thank you for recognizing you’ve been driving this ship, are you ready for me to work with you so you can get out of the mud now? Once I said yes, an onslaught of wonderful healers and Gurus entered my life.

I want to tell you that my healing happened over night, but that’s not the case. Healing is a spiral and as we go around we experience deeper and deeper truths. We continue to change and evolve as everything around us continues to change and evolve. There isn’t a neat ‘before and after’ picture of my healed self because I now have the capacity to hold more Truth than that limited perception. Real growth isn’t so black and white. The notion that we can heal and stay in a state of bliss is inherently a dual perspective. In suggesting that, we are saying there is an opposite, or a right place to be and a wrong place to be. It’s really not one or the other, truly waking up is seeing that healing can be about opening and closing, it’s both and everything; healing is the process of changing forms. We become butterflies but then we might also become magical dragons who then turn back into caterpillars only to have to go through the whole process of becoming a butterfly again.

pexels-photo-54300The awareness is not something you can turn off but you can most definitely find yourself struggling again and again as you continue to heal each time around. What helps us through the process is the knowing that we are our life’s chief architect and that we can also harness the power of Source energy (i.e. through meditation) to co-create anything.

My healing started when I took responsibility and asked for help. Thanks to this process of looking inward, my fears were no longer disproportionate to my perceived threats. In addition to other teachers and guides, I worked with a ThetaHealing spiritual healer who helped me identify a handful of fears that were blocking me. If something triggered me, instead of ignoring it or pushing the feelings away, I learned how to examine the fear behind the feeling in order to let it go. I think it’s important to work with someone to help in the process; it’s hard to see ourselves clearly, and a conscious, awake guide can be extremely beneficial.  I started connecting the dots of my life, like a detective working on the most exciting and important mystery ever!

I have come to understand that life isn’t about learning what to do in order to navigate the Universe, rather it is about learning that your very state of being and how you generate awareness creates your Universe. If you observe with appreciation, you will witness some radical shifts. As one of my mentor’s Joseph Aldo says, “You are the Universe.” The degree to which you love yourself is your state of being. If you watch the magical mystery unfold with loving eyes, knowing you are guided and you believe anything is possible… Then, I assure you, you will be dazzled.

I now wake up every morning with my eyes wide open. Some days I might wake up feeling crabby or tired but even so, I wake up with certainty of purpose and clarity. I know that I’m the one creating my reality either consciously or subconsciously. Everything counts and nothing is an accident. But there is also space to smile at it all. If I have a moment of feeling fearful or insecure then I know that those feelings should be examined and addressed otherwise they will have a ripple effect on my day and others around me. No matter what I feel, I meditate on gratitude each and every day. I am also consistently reminded that this perspective is the way to manifest countless miracles. The good news is, thanks to this process of self examination, sometimes I feel like the love is literally going to burst out of my heart. Loving myself and others is no longer a decision but a part of my being. At times I feel so moved by the power of being in the flow that it’s clear I have been guided to step into my own footprints. While I still maintain my corporate job (and I enjoy it in many ways more so than I ever have!) I trust that the next stone to step on will be revealed as soon as I am ready.  You, too, are a guided soul and it’s only a matter of time before you find your sacred path, if you feel like you haven’t found it already. I believe we all have a set of sacred footprints waiting for us.

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Photo credit: Flower, Pexels.com

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The impossible will be possible,
once you are ready to believe.