THE SOURCE OF MY SHADOW

4/6/2021

Hi my name is Tahra, I am a liar and a know-it-all.

EEEEKKKKS!

5 years ago I would have never, ever, ever, ever, EVER admitted those shadow aspects of my personality.

One time, I informed a group of my friends, while dining out at a fancy restaurant, that ‘sometimes sommeliers charge extra for their services.’ As I was saying it, I realized I was confused and I did not know if this was indeed true. When I was challenged (by a table full of very cultured people) I double downed on my lie and insisted that I had been to restaurants where there was an extra charge for the sommelier. 😳

The craziest part about this (that I know you can relate to) is that I was lying to myself at the same time! Because, that is what we do.  

I was telling myself, in my mind, in real time, that maybe that did actually happen. Maybe I did go to a restaurant and they had a charge on the bill for the sommelier. Who’s to say that didn’t happen?! (Hahahaha.)

You see, admitting that I had misspoken would have compromised the illusion I was trying to uphold about myself. Admitting that I was wrong would have made me vulnerable. I am a smart, honest person! (Or so I was desperately trying to tell myself and convince others.) 

Like waking to an alarm clock, I am now alert to the understanding that lying, pretending to know something, or covering your ass in a tight situation…along with many other common human tendencies, are actually trauma responses. And, we all have been traumatized. In other words, we all have varying degrees of a kind of PTSD…from our childhood! (In addition to trauma passed down in our DNA and perhaps also from previous lives.)

No. As a kid, I wasn’t locked in a basement or severely abused, yet I still had enough disturbances that conditioned my life so that I became motivated by those early childhood experiences. Even micro-traumas can justify a need for healing.

As a child, like many of my clients, I was a heart centered being, trying to make sense of an upside down world where adults acted unsavory. The adults that I was exposed to (parents, teachers, extended family) were not monsters but, likely due to their own traumas, they were not able to accomodate me and my needs. I felt unsafe.

A frightened little girl still lives within me.

Little, scared Tahra is the one that thinks that she needs to know everything (for a sense of control, to take care of herself) and she is the one that needs to sometimes hide the truth (to avoid punishment).

When I was not aware of this little girl, she had a strong, often subconscious influence on my behavior. The “sommelier debacle” is a prime example of how I would stretch or twist the truth without any conscious consideration, and unfortunately find myself knee deep in a mess wondering who was in charge of what was coming out of my mouth.

When the inner child is running the show she has one objective, to achieve at all cost: STAY SAFE. We all have a child within who is terrified to lose control.

And, what I know now is that I am not ONLY that scared little girl, I am also the consciousness that is watching. I AM the eternal nature that lives in and through all things. The tools that that little girl used to cope (like lying) just don’t work well anymore if I want connection and intimacy. And, if I do accidentally lie now, that’s okay too. I do not shame myself, I embody my Higher Self, and simply notice little “me” with a loving chuckle. She still tries to get away with all kinds of mischief!

Unlike the horror I used to think I would feel if I was ever found out as a “bad person,” there is nothing to hide and defend anymore. My shadow aspects may be ugly in some ways but they also have the face of an innocent, freckled faced, intimidated three year old girl, and really…how could I be mad at her?!!! I’ve turned toward the ugly parts of myself and instead of rejecting them, I’ve pulled them in for a cup of tea, some gentle inquiry and a snuggle.

What do you do or say that feels embarrassing? Is there good reason why you may have needed to adapt in this way, as a child? Can you get close to the child that still lives within, and show him or her some unconditional love?

All healing begins and ends with you. 

Bless us all, sweet children. ❤️

 

Share

Leave a Comment