This is personal to me…
Twelve years ago I was diagnosed with epilepsy and was told I would need to go on medication in order to stop having seizures. I was told by my neurologist that if I didn’t take the medication my seizures would get worse. “They are like forest fires, you need to stop having them before they grow into something you can’t control.” He said. Oh and “side effects of the medication treatment are drowsiness and lethargy. You will not be able to drive.” My gut sank, was this really my life?
For a little context, my mom started to decline from what we call Alzheimer’s Disease when I was fifteen and died by the time I was twenty three… so this felt like more medical overwhelm than I could handle.
Epilepsy.
I was devastated to imagine the limited life ahead of me thanks to medication. On the other hand, I was terrified at the possibility that I might find myself, again, in a strange place, recovering from an episode, unsure of what transpired when the lights went out. Having a seizure is a haunting experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I would have done anything to not have another one.
Instead of taking the medication, I decided to do something very radical, no doubt branding me the crazy/weirdo in any bunch. In 2008, I cleaned up my diet and made major lifestyle changes thanks to the advice of my dear friend Dr. Kelly Brogan who was just starting to see the benefits of a “lifestyle change” approach in her psychiatric practice. I changed my diet to all organic, gluten-free and I stopped having cow dairy. I switched to eating only meticulously sourced, grass-fed beef and organic chicken. I started to only drink filtered water (even at restaurants!) I decided to look at my products and to use only those that were chemical free. I stopped using toothpaste that had fluoride and other questionable ingredients. I started to put my phone on airplane mode when I went to bed. I then also started to heal emotional trauma with energy medicine. Basically, I changed my life and the environment that my body was living in… completely.
Can you tell where this is going?
You guessed it, since I made all those changes, I have not had any seizures.
NOT ONE, IN TWELVE YEARS.
I also no longer have chronic stomach aches, fissures on my tongue, kidney infections, ruptured cysts, random chest pains, and crippling anxiety.
This actually makes me want to cry as I type these words. Wow. It’s mind blowing to stop and consider how far I have come.
It hasn’t been an easy road, to say the least, especially since I endured so many years being an outcast. I was the first of a few questioning mainstream narratives around health and knew almost no one who was implementing these new lifestyle changes. At times I was teased and sometimes the target of aggression for doing so many things so different. As I said though, I would have done anything to not have another seizure.
WHAT DOES MY STORY HAVE TO DO WITH COVID?
Well… let me first say, my heart breaks for any and all that are sick. I was there. Being sick is like living in a nightmare without the ability to scream. It’s maddening. I also have nothing but respect and admiration for anyone who goes into the medical profession, I have friends and family who are doctors and nurses. No one chooses to be with the sick, all day long unless their heart also longs for a healthier world. These are good, loving people. I don’t question the individuals, I question the system in which they are operating.
I WAS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
I think it’s important I explain who I was before… before that critical decision of whether or not to go on epilepsy medication, I took the vaccines, antibiotics, including some psychiatric medications for panic attacks. I once believed I was a victim to random, bad luck, my health was genetically determined and I believed in germ theory too. I thought I needed to wage a war on bacteria and viruses, having no idea that I already cohabitated peacefully with trillions of microorganisms . I believed these medical interventions would help me, but ultimately, I just got sicker.
WHAT I NEEDED TO DO TO GET WELL
I needed to take a hard look in the mirror and hold myself accountable, individuate from the Doctor-Patient/Parent-Child model of health and ask myself some tough questions.
Am I responsible for the deterioration of my health? Is my body trying to communicate with me? Can I make majorly inconvenient but ultimately sanity-preserving and liberating choices to course-correct? Can I take healing into my own hands, instead of adopting a posture that I am a victim of unlucky circumstances?
Gulp. Only time will tell what the answers are to these questions.
Okay, right, you know the end of the story… the answer to these questions was a definitive YES. I needed to roll up my sleeves and do the work.
It’s important I note here too that I’m not saying everyone needs to do this in order to achieve wellness, but it is one way, and I believe the discussion of this way should have a seat at the table, too.
WHAT I BELIEVE NOW
If you asked me thirteen years ago about healing, I would have never thought that healing meant radical (often intensely uncomfortable) ownership of one’s own life and wellbeing. I didn’t believe everything (including illness!) was by design, and I certainly didn’t believe that nature is perfect. Thanks to the wild road I have traveled, there is almost nothing I am more certain of now.
Let me be clear though, I have no interest in convincing people that their perspective or beliefs are wrong. I live in a world where it’s possible that we are all right. It’s possible everything I did only worked for me because I believed it would and the ritual of self care was the most important factor.
I felt called to write this to explain why I question the mainstream understanding of COVID and highlight the assumptions around health that are at play here, as well as offer a real life story behind one voice of dissent. People don’t just leave the mainstream way of thinking unless there is some critical moment that compels them to leave the beaten path. Finding a way to stop my seizures pushed me into unfamiliar, unpopular territory. And while I endured ridicule, ultimately I found a better way (for me!) and I will not return to the old model because it is clear now that that model was not serving me. The old model is a system of healthcare that sees the patient as fundamentally broken which inevitably limits the toolkit available to doctors. I will never again outsource my power to a doctor to tell me what is best for my body because the tools I offer myself are far more beneficial for lasting health. In addition, it will never make sense to me that we need to put more toxicants in our bodies to be well, especially since many bodies (like my own was) are in desperate need of detox.
QuestioningCovid.com is a resource that challenges the mainstream narrative around health. I think we are at a critical turning point in our collective story and perhaps this is the moment when we all consider whether or not we want to start thinking outside the box. Perhaps it’s time to stop and wonder why humans seem to only be getting sicker? Perhaps we are looking at health and some of the foundational understandings of disease all wrong? It’s worth the question.
LET’S NOT DO THE BLAME GAME
It feels important that I also add that just because we are looking for a root cause of what we are calling COVID does NOT mean we should cast blame without taking responsibility. Even if it turns out that there was something in the water, or we are being poisoned by 5G radiation or illness is caused by a crazy mix of pesticides and mercury, or it’s a result of intense emotional conflict… it does not serve us to point fingers. I didn’t blame Confetti Cakes for poisoning me, I just stopped rewarding them with my dollars once I woke up to what I was eating. It is my belief that when we have the information we can take ownership of our choices, recognize our own power and see how we have been complicit. It is through self-possession that we heal, both physically and emotionally. The intention for digging into these matters is so we can bring all of our unconscious ways into the light, for course-correction.
MY PRAYERS
I have a wooden altar that I pray and meditate in front of every morning. It is two inches high off the ground and has my favorite, tiny items, neatly resting on the surface. Every morning I try to think of all the people I have ever met and love (and I think of those I haven’t met but would also inevitably end up loving, too). I envision a world where we are all living in synch with Mother Earth, dancing and singing, all ages, cheeks rosy with joy and vitality. And in this world, we live by the rule, What is good for the Earth, is good for me. One of the items on my altar is a Buddhist prayer that I received from my teacher Adyashanti. The prayer card reads “Buddha nature pervades the whole universe existing right here and now. I dedicate the merit of this practice to all sentient beings. Together we realize liberation.”
TOGETHER WE REALIZE LIBERATION.
The prayer doesn’t say, “with the same perspective we realize liberation”. It says together. Together to me means connected and connected is with the energy of love. With that in mind, even if we disagree, and even if you have totally different ideas about health, above all else, I pray that we stay connected through an energy of love, despite our differences.
May all voices be welcomed.
Amen.
