“I don’t understand how he could have lied to me so much!” My client, Mary* whimpered as she spoke to me. I watched her blot away her tears with the tips of her fingers.

Mary then continued to recall the details of her last break up. “He told me he was rich. He even took me to a real estate open house for a 2 million dollar property and said he was going to buy it, but really he was broke and living with his mother! I found the truth out this past December. It all came out.”

She found a tissue and continued, “He isn’t the first man who has lied to me either…” She went on to explain how her first husband had weaved many tales, too. That relationship also unraveled, leaving her brokenhearted and dumbfounded.

“I am a good person, why is this happening?!” Mary wailed.

My heart ached as I heard Mary’s story. I also knew that what she was experiencing, AKA what the Universe was serving her was…not for naught. Thanks to my own healing journey and having held space for many beautiful people, I knew this wasn’t happening because Mary had “done something wrong to deserve punishment.” Instead, I knew there was more likely just a missing clue, a kind of ‘message in a bottle’ that was lost at sea, which could help us understand “why” she was in the middle of so much drama. If we found this elusive message, it could lead Mary to attract different experiences going forward.

“Mary,” I said, “close your eyes.”

I then led Mary through a meditative experience where she could get closer to the energy of her body and her emotions. She felt the torment in her chest. She felt the tightening in her throat. She felt the rage in her belly. She felt the stabbing sadness in her heart.

“Mary, what memory pops up where you had the same feeling, as a young child?” I asked.

Mary took a deep breath. “I was three years old, I was standing at the window. My Mom was leaving and I was crying…”  She went on to explain, “When I was young, my Mom only visited us once a month.”

There it was.

The lost bottle was ashore. We pulled out the cork, unfurled the scroll and then I transmitted the message.

“Mary, you unconsciously seek out the love, approval and attention of men who lead double lives, to resolve the trauma you experienced with your Mother…who led a double life.”

Mary stared at me with a glazed, stunned look. You could feel the truth, thick between us.



Mary’s life is really no different than your life or my life. The details may be different but we all have challenging experiences that arise in large part to provoke us to revisit our past traumas. I don’t believe anything is random. Like Mary’s series of unreliable men, the upsetting dramas we experience today carry the same resonance as past traumas, not so we suffer again, but instead to help us find a resolution to a sense of brokenness. In other words, life repeatedly asks all of us to make contact with our brokenness in order to and I would say until we realize our wholeness again.

And how do we become whole? How do we heal? How do we resolve traumas?

You become whole by loving yourself, by staying with yourself, by being your own best friend, by holding yourself, by caring for yourself, by soothing yourself…

Maybe even like no one ever has…in the face of your worst nightmares, as they arise…time and time again.

You do this by bringing the version of you that was shamed, blamed, ridiculed, embarrassed, punished or rejected into your arms and you tell him or her all the kind, loving, things he/she didn’t or hasn’t heard enough of, from others.

You do this not because it’s easy or familiar, you do this because there is a future you that knows you are capable of offering yourself what you are missing. You do this because there is a you that knows you deserve to be unconditionally loved and there is no sense being at the mercy of others, when you can give it to yourself.

Before Mary and I sat in a shared healing space, she believed that her life was happening without order.  At the end of the session she was clear that although there is still a lot of healing-to-wholeness needed, she was at least now aware that there is a kind of structure to her life. Plus, she was able to see her role in events that she previously felt victimized by.

The dramatic, painful circumstances of today are simply provoking us to answer one question:

Do you love yourself, can you create safely within…even now…even now…even now…EVEN NOW?!

Take a deep breath. There is a YOU that knows you can stay centered, no matter the storm you find yourself in.

And…it’s a practice. Start with your hand on your heart, and close your eyes. See your own eyes, in your mind’s eye and say, “I am here for you and I love you.”



*Name was changed.

Photo by Kat Jayne from Pexels


Leave a Comment